Lalisa Manobal

Like modern mathematics with the Collatz Conjecture, the grunting man scratched his head and stomped angrily his feet, madcap to understand the raging seas churring within. His loins burned and his heartbeat ricocheted; why he knew not, but only that he must have her. In the end, after calculating the Dynamical Systems of the behavior of the female, the solution was, he with the biggest club gets the girl.

As the ages flew by and humans became more civilized with clubs, less so with hurling metal projectiles, the male species began understanding a fraction more about the female. The point being, they are not men, thus, proposedly, aliens? How is it then that you can make a specific one fall deeply in love? What are the tricks? It is true in ancient Greece that the lecherous little beast Cupid (Eros) gave classes on swagger and courting.

His preposterous solution was to shoot her in the behind with a gold dart. Hardly an effective technique for swooning over fresh love. It is possible then to use words, as a few courageous men have attempted. “If I had a smile like yours, I would date myself!” or “If God was mortal, he’d be you.” What? The prospect of love has made the fool of many a man. Though when courting and using the rehearsed and memorized script, practiced in the mirror with gelled hair and partially buttoned shirt, they must control their eyes so as to avoid the inevitable “Slap!”

That there is the secret, it is all in the eyes. Is it not true that a woman judges a man’s worth by his shoes and his eyes? Confidence and personality are the keys, aside from a mod pair of shoes, and it is easily detected in the eyes. So, Cupid consequently was wrong! Instead of carrying around a quiver of arrows, the cherubic infant should have carried around a bag of mirrors, or good shoes, one of the two.

Women will scream and yell that they aren’t that shallow. Maybe not, but men are, and so I accidentally used this technique when inadvertently making eye contact with K-pop superstar, Lalisa. It was late, I was tired and just kind of staring into her eyes with confident thoughts on my mind of something or other and I swear I witnessed a twinkle in her eyes as she returned a momentary glance. Surely she had just fallen madly in love…